TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET CHAPTERS 1-12

Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1-12)

For everyone out there making DVD commentaries, I have one word for you, “STOP!”

There is absolutely no way anyone can top the pure insanity of
R. Kelly candidly watching and talking about his Hip-Hop Opera “Trapped in the Closet” on his newly released compilation DVD. Seriously, this is why DVD commentaries were invented.

Now since it’s a “video commentary track” in addition to listening to R. Kelly talk about creating one of the best films ever made, yeah you heard me Battleship Potemkin, you ain’t so hot anymore. You can also get to watch R. Kelly watching himself on the big screen the entire time. He sits in a plush easy chair smoking a giant cigar (not the best idea in a darkened movie theater), and often nods his head in agreement with the sentiments expressed in the song while laughing at the truth of his creation. It’s like God watching a video of the 1st 12 days of Earth.

I’ll admit I was under the misconception that R. Kelly was a tough guy (a baler, if you will), but instead on the commentary he’s really sweet and almost bashful when explaining the risqué situations occurring in the film, keep in mind this is a guy who pulls out his Berretta upwards of 50 times in 40 minutes. R even apologizes for using “profanities” in the song but explains, that the foul language “was an attempt to make lyrics 3-D” and it worked, I felt like those Fucks were flying out of the screen at me.

For those of you not content to just watch the epic Homerian drama of the piece, R also is quick to tell the audience that “Trapped” is a “real life game and that the viewers can try to guess what the characters will say and do next.” For example you might think that the wife of the cop (Bridget) would be cheating with a white dude, but no I was wrong it was a black male, stripper with an enormous shlong named Big Man who easily shits his pants. I was so close. It’s kinda like that board game, “Life” but with gay preachers and infidelity.

My favorite moments are when R demonstrates the different tonal qualities of all the different characters in an impromptu musical performance. I also grew to love the often awkward and long periods of silence, it’s really like you are sitting next to him with nothing to say. You also learn about R Kelly’s philosophy like “when things are alright you make love.” The best moment however is around minute 21 when the director of the DVD commentary clearly fell asleep because every time R. Kelly talks to one camera it switches to the other creating the effect of always watching the back of R’s head. It’s hysterical.


I guess the most interesting thing about this commentary track is that he spends most of his time narrating his narration. Which is slightly insulting, it’s like he’s talking to a head trauma patient that doesn’t understand that when he sings, “I drove home at 88” that what he means is that he drove home real fast.

R. Kelly is always quick to tell the often viewer that this film “makes sense, so much sense.” He also admits that he has “no idea how this rhyming happened.” R confides, “to be honest I needed a rhyme for Dresser and I was like Berretta, I didn’t even think about it, it just happened” Exactly!

However I’m concerned as a viewer that R might not know what the term “cliffhanger” actually means because he defines cliffhangers as “having asthma”, “being blessed (Re: Big Dick), and “liking cherry pie.” Which are not necessarily them same cliffhanging techniques that 1940 serials succeed with. Just imagine Flash Gordon about to defeat Ming the Merciless when he starts eating Cherry Pie, What a cliffhanger!

He even goes, as far to say, “There wasn’t a cliffhanger that’s the cliffhanger.” Now he just sounds like that weird kid I went to school with who drew mazes that had no exits and claimed that was the point, but in reality he just forgot to draw one.

So, Is “Trapped in the Closet” the work of a Genius or a Madman? Who knows? Although after watching the commentary track I’m leaning to Madman.

In true Trapped in the Closet Form, R ends the Commentary on a Cliffhanger…Which I won’t spoil here. Suffice to say, if you only listen to one DVD commentary track in your life let it be this one it.

BASIC INSTINCT 2

(ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY NOT A COMMENTARY, I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THIS FILM)
This Past Weekend I went to see Basic Intinct 2 and apparently I was the only one who did. BI2 was supposed to be a Huge Box Office Hit but it took everyone for surprise when it tied for 10th place at the Box Office with Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector and that movie doesn't even have any fingerbanging in it. C'mon what is the world coming too?

People Are Wondering What Went Wrong....I'm here too help.

1.) First of all, was the First Movie even that good to warrant a Sequel? All I remember is a shot of Sharon Stone's Junk and an Ice Pick. I challenge you to remember more.

2.)Secondly If you are going to forgo characters and plot and base a entire sequel on a crotch shot, chances are you are making a porn. More importantly if you making a sequel based on crotch shot don't wait 14 years. Maybe it's me, but I don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell reunite in a sequel to Wild Things in 2024. If You are going to make a sequel make it quick before the crotch ages because at this point she needs to put that thing away in a pair granny panties.

3.)Use the Word "Come" sparingly, maybe it's sexy the first 15-20 times but after that you are kinda pushing it...I believe I counted it used at least 100 times throughout this 114 minute film, That's like once a minute.

4.) Sequels should be bigger and better than the original but in this movie there was Less Sex, Less Plot, and No Michael Douglas. It was like watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace all over again.

5.) Don't get me Wrong, I'm a Huge Fan of Choose Your Own Adventures but when you see a mystery movie you kinda want a resolution to the "mystery". Basic Instinct 2 ended like Clue: The Movie. There are literally 3 different solutions to the crime but they don't tell you which one is actually true, Clue even did that.

6.) Plastic Surgery Makes The Body Scary!...Really Scary!....Trust Me!...I Just Got Shivers thinking about the Hottub Scene. In this movie Sharon Stone's Breasts seemed more deadly than any ice pick and I mean that literally, they were so pointed they could stab you in the gullet.

7.) Unless it's a Cop's Name, Don't Use The Title of the Movie in the Movie...Sharon Stone's character when referencing the content of her books says, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts" I really wanted her to say, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts...2...(Awkward Pause)...Risk Addiction..(Party Guest Clears Throat) ...Right, anyway I'm going to go now."

8.) And Finally If This is the 1st Line of Your Movie:

Guy: I Can't Move
Sharon Stone: You Don't Have to, You Are In a Car

Stop Writing! Immediately!


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There are So Many More Little Details about this Trainwreck, That I'd Love to Mention but if you Haven't Seen it You'll Have No idea what I'm Talking About. But Here's a Brief List of Some Things that Still Plague Me...

-For a Sexy Woman, She Carries Around Really Bulky, Weird ,Touristy Lighters.
-Why Does the Court Appointed Therapist Practice in the Baxter Building.
-Is Choke Fucking in?
-Is Sex Suppposed to Be Scary.
-Why is it So Easy to Get off a Murder Charge in London?
-David Thewlis Has the Best Moustache in the Biz.
-Why Doesn't The S&M Prostitute Rat out the Shrink Immediately?
-How Can the First Five Minutes Be So Good and the Next Hundred be so Bad
-I Miss the Subtle Dialogue of Showgirls Scribe Joe Esterhaus.

If You Saw This Movie I'd Love to Hear Your Favorite Moments.....

RULES OF ATTRACTION

Carrot Top does the Commentary Track for Rules of Attraction. Yup...Carrot

Top...the prop comic. Is he in the movie? No. Did he direct the Movie?

No! Is he inanyway affiliated with the film besides doing this commentary

track? No! As a matter of fact there is no logical reason Carrot

Top does commentary for this Roger Avary film because as we find

out, he hasn’t even seen it yet. It’s like he wandered

into the wrong room at the right time and whoever produced the commentary

track just said, “Sure, Fuck It!”

 This track shows a whole new side to the family friendly prop comic.

Within the first 15 minutes he says, “Beaver”, “Titties”, “Fuck”, “Black

Dick” “Stink Ass Pussy”, “Whores”, Strap-On” and “Suck

Cock”. Whenever he sees a gay character he refers to them as “Siegfried

or Roy”. He refers to black people as “Ms. Cleo and Puff Daddy” and

don’t worry he even slams the Native Americans Indians too. His blue

routine doesn’t stop there. At one point he talks about Internet porn

and laments that there is not a computer which you can put your dick right

inside. Suffice it to say, this is not the Carrot Top you are used to seeing.

It’s like a dirty clown trying to make friends outside a strip club.

But let’s put that on the back burner for a second.

Listening to this commentary is like watching a movie over at your

friend’s house. You know, the one with the annoying roommate

with the huge TV; you can’t go anywhere else to watch TV because

he has the best one. Throughout this track Carrot Top is like a Tommy

Gun, he fires out hundreds of jokes and about 4 hit. He even repeats

old jokes again later in the movie just in case you missed it the

first time. (See: Corey Feldman, Goonies Commentary Track). Keep

in mind the caliber of jokes revolve around such hot topics as Clinton

Impressions (“Suck my Presidential Cock”), Viagra, Mike

Tyson, Erik Estrada, Nash Bridges and of course OJ Simpson (OJ did

such a bad job he got blood in my bronco). It’s like

going to the Catskills without leaving the house. And if that isn’t

enough, he sings along with songs in the film and hums when he gets

bored.

To make matters worse he won’t end the commentary track. He talks through

most of the credits and then he won’t leave. He obviously has nowhere

to be. His closing line, “ I don’t know about you but I want to

get some pussy!” And I say this to you, buy this shitty movie to cherish

one of the most wrong commentary tracks ever recorded. It’s genius. This

is currently my number one commentary track.

Someone asked why Carrot Top did this Track, so I did some research

and here’s the real reason why. To find out click below… www.seanperkins.com/archives/000055.htm

SUPERMAN 1

This is a very Simple Commentary, Richard Donner tells

it like it is. There's no Bullshit with Dick.

There are long dead spots of mediocre content, but
there are some great great stories. The best story revolves around
getting Marlon Brando to commit to shooting his part in the film and
how he made the producers and the director get down on the floor at
his house and beg him to do the film, or how he he refused to wear
his costume on set. Plus Dick tells you what lines Brando improvised
and how he refused to shoot reshoots. He even requested that his name
should be above the Title, when he's only in the film for 5 minutes,
but he got it. You also hear how Dick convinced Gene Hackman to shave
his head!

However the best story revolves around how the producers
of the film the Salkinds, who hated Dick, almost ruined the film. They
actually hired another director and had him on set so if they decided
to fire Dick the other director could step right into the role. They
kept cutting his budget so he only shot half of the script the other
half is Superman 2 but they didn't invite Dick to finish it even after
it was a success. Interesting fact, when you watch Superman 2 watch
for the scenes where Margot Kidder clearly has had a nose job that's
how you can tell what parts Dick shot during Superman 1 and what scenes
the new director shot for Superman 2.

Tales of 1970's Hollywood, it's good stuff surrounded
by some filler.

STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE

This DVD Commentary answers the question that everyone is asking:

Did George Lucas lose his mind?

The answer is Yes...and No.

First of all, make no bones about it, this commentary is atrocious.
It has long sections of silence which always shocks me because isn't
the point of a commentary to talk about the film and not watch it,
but anyway they also recorded three seperate commentary tracks and
mixed them together for a Frankenstein like conversation. Ultimately,
at it's worst the commentary is humorless and boring and at it's
best it's just plain dull. However, you get a few really great moments
from Lucas that will help you personally decide whether or not Lucas
has totally lost it.

First of all he loves Jar Jar. Loves him! He actually giggles at
him, and mentions that he wanted to do more with him, What?! No matter
what you think about this movie we can all agree Jar Jar Blows! Lucas
is also proud of the fact that he finally explained that "The
Force" is based on Midicholrians in the blood stream. He felt
that fans really enjoyed the force and he wanted to "explain" it
better. I might be wrong about this (I doubt it) but isn't the cool
think about the force that it's Mystical and Unexplained, like religion,
rather than weird blood disease? Yeah, I think so.

But on the other hand he talks in depth about creating a fighting
style for the Jedi that is zen like and sophisticated, I agree with
that! That's the George I like. He also talks about the complexities
of creating Obi Wan Kenobi as a flawed hero and how he soley leads
Anakin into the dark side. Yes! More of that. But moments after that
he laughs at the part where Jar Jar gets electrocuted. Hmph!

Throughout the entire commentary he really goes back and forth from
being the guy who created a complex mythological story and the guy
who thought putting a planet of Ewoks in Return of the Jedi was way
better than a planet of Wookies.

Ultimately if you're a Star Wars Fan you should listen to the Commentary
-But if you didn't like the movie and you don't like Star Wars then
this is not the commentary you are looking for.

STAR TREK 4: THE VOYAGE HOME

As mentioned elsewhere on this site I am a nerd, so of course, I
was excited to listen to the DVD Commentary Track for the Special
Edition of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. The commentary is done
by William Shatner (Kirk) and Leonard Nimoy (Spock), you can't beat
that! Apparently when they're at Star Trek Conventions people gather
from far and wide to see the amazing repartee between these two Sci-Fi
Giants. They even released a DVD home movie where the two men just
sit and talk to each other. So I had high hopes. But unfortunately
it's a little bit dissapointing. After listening to the commentary
you just walk away thinking that William Shatner is the most lovable
jackass in the world.

Here are the best things that Shatner says/does in the Commentary....

1.) He regularly uses words like, "Sagacity", "Deus
Ex Machina", and "Artistic Inadversity".

2.)He tells the audience that he was firmly against
the idea of Time Travel for the 4th film- he thought it wouldn't
be interesting to fans. (* This was the highest grossing Star Trek
Film of all time!)

3.) He did a One Man Show which toured around the
country that involved taking the poems of D.H. Lawrence and setting
them to whale song.

4.) One of the reasons he enjoys making films is
because he feels that it allows actors to live forever.

5.) He teaches a mini acting class in the middle
of the film where he demonstrates the right way to act, "It
must feel like you are coming up with the words that you are saying
for the first time" When that happens then you've got it.

Besides Shatner, the commentary does have some interesting tidbits
(I suggest watching it with the Text Commentary as well, it's 2 commentaries
in one). I feel like Leonard Nimoy has a guilt problem with Shatner,
because Nimoy knows that he's a better actor and director than Shatner.
He's always talking about what a wonderful actor Bill is and how
his reactions are superb and how Star Trek V is a masterpiece (No,
I don't think so). It feels like Nimoy's trying to get someone else
to hire Shatner, so he can get rid of him.

The saddest moment comes near the conclusion of the film, both Shatner
and Nimoy talk about how there are so many more stories left to tell
with this cast of characters, but they feel as if they might never
get the chance (They're just realizing this now!) They say the studio
seems more interested in the new casts.(Duh!). Overall it's fun,
but nothing to warrant the purchase of the new collector's edition,
unless it's cheap.

Anyway a great extra dose of Shatner is on Disc 2, under the Interview
section. In this section they show original publicity interviews
with the stars which are uncut. William Shatner is so cocky and evasive,
it's hysterical. It's the most begrudging film promotion interview
I've ever seen. He's really nasty and curt. It's a must watch.

JERRY MACGUIRE

I like Jerry Maguire. It's a Good Movie, but it's has an awful Commentary
Track.

Jerry Maguire employs one of those video commentary tracks and my
question is why? As the commentary begins you hear that everyone
is hung over from Tom's Cruise's Birthday Party which happened the
night before; so you are basically watching a bunch of sleepy people
that hardly move watching a film. It was like watching a reflection
of me, but much more attractive and sometimes black.

To make matters worse all these guys do is talk about how awesome
they are. They say things like, "Great Line", "You're
a Genuis", "You are Awesome!" and Ladies and Gentlemen
that's why he won the Oscar." It's self congratulatory to a
fault. You think that these guys solved world hunger that way they
are applauding each other and that Jonathan Lipnicki is potentially
the next James Dean.

The most annoying aspect of the commentary is Renee Zweilleger,
three times throughout the film Cameron Crowe is getting everyone
to start talking about something interesting or potentially scandalous
that happened during shooting and she stops him by saying " That's
our secret". THREE TIMES! Why do commentary then if you're not
going to talk about potentially embarassing stuff.

So If you like Celebrities talking about how great they are and
occasionally pretending to beat each other up, because the compliments
are too nice than this DVD is for you. If not look elsewhere.